my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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