I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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