had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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