Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
