Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
