I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need to calm my uterus...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
