I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
