I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
