dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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