Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
