just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
