just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
