Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
