Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
