She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
