if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
