I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
