two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
