I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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