i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
