By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
