does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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