Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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