I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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