we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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