walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
