WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
