While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
