I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
