rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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