woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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