Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
