Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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