he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
