you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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