I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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