I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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