forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
