my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
