So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
