Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
