can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
