So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
