I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
