You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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