I can text with my tongue
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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