after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
