if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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