She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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