Rock
Scissors
Fuck
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
