Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
