He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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